Vedant Misra

The Best Conspiracy Theory Ever

We've all heard the JFK assassination conspiracy theories, the conspiracy theories that suggest 9/11 was an inside job, the belief that the Apollo moon landings were faked, and all kinds of stories about some tremendous, hidden cabal (variously known as the "Illuminati," the "Freemasons," or "Vedant and his unruly gang of hooligans") that has been controlling the course of world events for hundreds or thousands of years.


All of the our-government-orchestrated-[horrendous event]-and-then-covered-it-up stories are old hat. So is the stuff about the New World Order. That's why it catch mine eye when, occasionally, a more refreshing conspiracy theory floats my way: I introduce The Lumber Cartel.

The premise behind the Lumber Cartel is as follows: Companies that destroy forests to make paper, which is in turn used to send bulk mail, were losing business because e-mail spam doesn't use any paper and was making snail mail spam obsolete. Thus, it was in their interests to reduce spam online (only to increase deforestation and clog up our mailboxes, of course), and they began to support the anti-spam "movement."

Members of USENET who had begun to realize the severity of the spam problem and were trying to counter its proliferation began to include the acronym "TINLC," for "There Is No Lumber Cartel" (distinctly reminiscent of "There Is No Cabal") in their signatures.

Now that's a conspiracy worth looking into. It's actually something that kind of makes a little bit of sense (but not really). I'm glad I can't say the same about the following gems:

1. Hilary Clinton is a Snake
David Icke believes that the aforementioned global cabal that is controlling humanity is a species of dinosaur-like alien reptiles who can maintain a human appearance by consuming human blood, an ability which has allowed them to take the form of various world leaders, including George H.W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Tony Blair. He also claims that the Rothschild family and the Rockefellers share blood with the reptilian race.

2. Microsoft is (really really) Evil
Open a Microsoft Word window, and type the letters "NYC" in the fonts "webdings" and "wingdings." Webdings was intentionally designed so that those letters would look like "I Love New York." However, in Wingdings, which is the Windows' version of Webdings, the message seems decidedly different:
Conclusion: Microsoft knew about 9/11 in advance, and the programmers who designed the Wingdings font wanted to reveal this information in a subtle way that would reveal the plot without incriminating them. This is the only possible rational conclusion. And if you aren't convinced, type the letters "q33ny" in the Wingdings font -- the letters show this:

This is incontrovertible proof. What's that? "q33ny" is a random string of letters? What? This is the stupidest thing you've ever heard? Wrong. This is fact. Microsoft has already proven it's evil by becoming a software monopoly. That's only one step away from wanting to kill Jews. and this is proof. GO APPLE!
[More reading: (1) (2) (3)]

3. Charlemagne Never Existed
According to the Phantom Time Hypothesis, the early middle ages (614 - 911 CE) never happened, meaning that all of the documented history from this time is completely fabricated, as were the famous individuals of the time that we know of and all archaeological findings that date to that time. 'Nuff said.