Vedant Misra

Crap, I think I hear a chopper outside

There's this Chicken and Rice place here in NEW YORK CITY run by a couple of guys from the MIDDLE-EAST, and I have to say, their chicken and rice is to DIE for. That stuff is the BOMB. Heck, I'd KILL for some of that stuff right about now! It's so good, I might just declare a JIHAD on the other INFIDEL food vendors in NEW YORK CITY. I bet even the PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH, can't find chicken and rice this good -- especially not anywhere in WASHINGTON, D.C. Nowhere near the CAPITOL BUILDING or the WHITE HOUSE is there street-side food this good. This chicken and rice KILLS me. And although people tend to think food vendors on the street sell food of poor quality, this stuff definitely won't ASSASSINATE your tummy.

[After three weeks of not posting, this place experienced somewhat of a dip in traffic. So I thought I'd try something to up the number of visitors a bit, even if those visitors are from the Department of Homeland Security and NSA. Proceeding...]

I think I feel like playing some HALO! Or even some old-school Goldeneye on N64...that crazy MI6 agent. That game is so cool, it's cooler than a NUCLEAR WINTER. But I can't play videogames right now, because I'm pretty busy with schoolwork. It's like these professors I've got have dozens of CABINETs filled with work that they can hand out at a moment's notice! It's like they're all members of the KOMITET GOSUDARSTVENNOI BEZOPASNOSTI. I feel so much IRA, err, typo, I meant "ire" about all this work I have to do.

And since these sentences keep getting more and more awkward and disconnected, I might as well go all-out:

Here's a list of some words! Ready? Here goes: CIA, NSA, Echelon, Bubba, Al Amn Al-Askari, Black Ops, Blowfish, RSA, MD5, Pacini, Suitcase, Reno, Lacrosse, Airplane, Banana Bread, Hague, Surveillance, Ceramic, MI5, Steak Knife, Armani, The Artful Dodger.

Pop quiz! Which one of the bold terms above isn't something the government is red-flagging in electronic communications? According to a very-much-apocryphal source, every single one of the bold phrases above, except for one, is a term that is flagged by ECHELON, the NSA's highly-secretive global signals intelligence (SIGINT) analysis network, capable of parsing and sorting billions upon billions of pieces of electronic communication in nearly every format you can think of. Still guessing which one I made up?

Banana bread.

All of the other outlandish ones actually mean something -- "Bubba" is the handle of a prominent online hacker, "Blowfish" is the name of a symmetric block cipher, Askari is a member of the Iraqi cabinet, and "ceramic" is flagged because there are apparently some firearms made entirely of ceramic that don't trigger metal detectors. "Lacrosse" is the name of a series of American reconaissance satellites, and "Steak Knife," surprisingly, isn't up there because steak knives are, well, sharp and dangerous, but because "Steak Knife" is a code word for a double-agent in the Irish Republican Army. Again, this is all from an unverifiable (but decidedly cool) source, so it can't really be trusted. In any case, I'm still guessing how an Italian fashion designer and a Dickens character could have possibly ended up on there.

To those of you who usually see me every day: if you hear choppers landing nearby, or if anyone comes looking for me flashing a badge with any three-letter-acronym on it, hold em off so I can get a head start, k?